The darkness that lives in my home.

Recently I had to explain to someone close to me what living with a mental illness is like . This was something that this person wanted to know because they wanted to try to relate,understand or at least try to. It did not take very long to explain .

Imagine this dark and looming figure you unlock your door at night and Its standing there,Its overwhelming presence  like a sense of danger ,It does not speak , but you know It’s there, It follows you from room to room ,It sits where you sit , It lays where you lay and It continues to remind you that it’s not leaving ,not today and not tomorrow . In the deepest of sleeps it can wake you ,make you catch your breath and fill you with a fear that only the day light can soothe . It turns up to your happiest moments and says nothing but its presence is enough to remind you its not going anywhere ,not today and not tomorrow .

I let it stay for many years I have let it dictate how I live . I have missed half my life watching on the sidelines because I let it become my adviser, my secret keeper and I believed in Its darkness and I trusted it when it displayed more power than me .

One day and i wish i could tell you there was something significant about this day but there was not . I was brave and I started to question what if there is more for me ? what if i deserve peace? and I started making changes to live more .

I am now three years down the line … Is life better ? most definitely , does this dark looming figure still life with me? …. yes, and it was right it was not going any where but the difference this time is that he is smaller and my tools are bigger to deal with it . Most days it does not greet me at the door because there is too much light and love in my house now . Every achievement that comes my way , it still puts doubt in my mind and still reminds me that it can pull the rug from under me at any time , but am I stronger than it most days? ,most months? yes .

So if your reading this and you feel the same way know that I have been there , that I am there and when I share my achievements its to remind me that the darkness that lives with me ,will almost definitely be with me forever but at this point in time I am stronger than it and the love in my house keeps the darkness to barely anything (my son and my love) not to mention the army that has formed around me outside the house ,keeps this darkness to a minimum but more importantly, when it comes we all fight it . Check on that someone just a text is all it needs to be . Remind them they do not have to fight it alone.